Finding My Self

2019 and 2020 have been some of the most influential years in my life. I left the religious cult I grew up in, had some pretty life-changing breakthroughs in therapy, and I’m slowly finding a political voice I wasn’t allowed to have previously.

It’s a strange thing to have one’s whole belief system and sense of reality challenged. It’s disorienting; full of grief, sobbing, and deep emotional pain. While many of my former religion would say I’ve taken the easy way out, I can say confidently that there hasn’t been anything easy about it. As I explained last year, death has been an incredibly difficult thing to grapple with now that I don’t believe in an afterlife.

And yet, I’ve found happiness. Not a happiness rooted in rose-colored glasses, or without challenges. I’m lonely. I feel as if I have no close friends or family who truly know me except for my partner. People who claimed to love me don’t talk to me anymore. That’s tough to deal with in a normal year, I can’t begin to describe what it’s been like in a pandemic.

But for me it’s always been about truth. Was what I believed true? Not does it make me feel good, not does it surround me with mostly loving (albeit conditional) people, not because it would dissappoint my family if I didn’t.

Is it the truth?

The answer for me is a resounding no.

Ultimately, going into 2021, I’m a completely different person to who I was just two years ago. It’s change at a magnitude I didn’t expect, but as the storm in my head settles, I’m a person I love deeply and accept fully. I know who I am, what I stand for, and the values that guide my life. I want to live a loving and thoughtful life, and I’m doing my best to do so.

Happy New Year y’all.